Wednesday, December 15, 2004
10 things we want to hear Mace Windu say in Revenge of the Sith
1. You don't need to see my goddamn identification 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
2. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did, I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
3. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutley, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room.....accept no substitutes.
4. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're going to do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatoonie.
5. Feel the force, motherfucker.
6. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of. Do they speak Bocce on What?
7. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
8. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
9. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
10. Hand me my lightsaber....it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker".
darwin rules!
28 November 2004, Washington | We have a new Darwin winner, with the recent demise of a man
No drug or alcohol evidence was found; Philip Quinn, 24, in his right mind, placed a lava lamp on his kitchen burner and turned up the flame. In due course, he rediscovered this favorite explosive generator of deadly shrapnel. He was found dead in his Kent trailer home, a shard of glass through his heart.
Gods Market Research (i have no idea who sent me this)
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
4th July 4004 BC
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Torah
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehovah __ Jesus
__ Allah __ Satan
__ God __ G_d
__ Bill Gates __ Ronald McDonald
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: ____
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ EST
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney Fife __ Barney T.B.P.D. __
Other: _____________________ __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5 than the Hudson)
Talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): _____________________
Hangover ratings from siliconhell
1 Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side portion of fries.
2 Star Hangover
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 Star Hangover
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one the following:
1. Home time,
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or
3. A time machine so you could go back and not go out the night before.
5 Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell)
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
I dont know who Lincoln Freimund is but I like his style.......
“Gentlemen, at approximately nine o’clock last night, a small scouting force was sent into the vicinity of my liver. They’ve not been heard from. A rescue force was dispatched, but they, too, have been lost. I’m afraid I have no choice but to declare a state of full-scale war with my liver. Time for a martini.”
Lincoln Freimund rallies the troops on New Year’s Eve.
The QUINCY drinking game
Drink Once When:
....Quincy walks off in a huff.
....Someone explains some obscure fact to Quincy
(like "Kids can buy these drugs over the counter
ANYWHERE in America!")
(Drink twice if Quincy freaks out about that.)
....Quincy looks disappointed and turns away.
....Quincy ends a discussion with someone with a KILLER phrase
that obviously wins the conversation
(like "That's funny.. I thought you HAD...")
....Quincy complains about government/company red tape.
....Quincy goes somewhere to re-enact the crime that
caused the episode(Drink twice if Sam goes with him.)
....They end the episode at Danny's Restaurant.
Drink Twice When:
....a moral message is shoved down your throat.
....Quincy tells everyone ELSE something before he tells Sam.
....Sam asks Quincy to explain why he needs to do a lab test...
....The police detective gets upset with Quincy for doing his job
Drink Three Times When:
....Quincy gets awakened by a long lost friend while sleeping
on his boat.
....Dr. Astin (his supervisior) mentions his budget
Empty bottle when:
....Quincy says "You're a MURDERER!!!"
This is not Tom
A DANCING WEREWOLF
The experience of watching American Werewolf in London had profound effects for one film fan - and his neighbours.
The 28-year-old was so moved by the 1980s horror that he took to making wolverine howls for hours on end.
Alarmed neighbours who went to investigate the first outbreak saw him standing on his windowsill and pretending to dance with a Christmas tree while moaning loudly.
An Asbo banning him from shouting, swearing, banging windows, moaning and dumping rubbish was not enough. The howls continued and he was duly jailed for two months in August.
He has since been jailed for four months and will be spending Christmas in prison.
This is not Tom
A DANCING WEREWOLF
The experience of watching American Werewolf in London had profound effects for one film fan - and his neighbours.
The 28-year-old was so moved by the 1980s horror that he took to making wolverine howls for hours on end.
Alarmed neighbours who went to investigate the first outbreak saw him standing on his windowsill and pretending to dance with a Christmas tree while moaning loudly.
An Asbo banning him from shouting, swearing, banging windows, moaning and dumping rubbish was not enough. The howls continued and he was duly jailed for two months in August.
He has since been jailed for four months and will be spending Christmas in prison.
Friday, December 10, 2004
If anyone is looking for an xmas present for me they could do much worse than visiting www.despair.com and getting me one of their brilliant calendars
Sunday, September 19, 2004
American Werewolf in London
I was thinking about this film when I wrote the last caption to the spider pic. At the start of the film Brian Golver says to the two american hikers/victims something along the lines of "Stay on the path lads" as they go wandering across the moors at night. Did he really think that staying on the path would keep there werewolf away? Was it a magic path?
ooooohhhh horrid spider
this spider was spotted with about 8 of its friends hanging off a tree by the sea. its hard to see scale but the body was about 4 inches long and about 1 inch thick. just out of shot is a sign saying "Do NOT stray from the path. Unexploded munitions in forest." - hong kong again (as opposed to just outside the slaughtered lamb - "stay on the path lads)
russian around
me and my mum with vodka in Balalaika Restaurant in Hong Kong. The reason we are both wearing (fake) fur coats and hats is that the room we are standing in contains about 40 bottles of vodka and is kept at -20degrees celsius or so. If you go to Hong Kond you should really try Balalaika. I was a bit dubious about the whole "russian food" bit, but its fantastic. The black bread and sausage is awesome.
Junk arriving
picture of the junk coming into the star ferry dock just before our daytrip
although the pic looks like it was smoggy it was actually bright sunlight with totally clear skies. The fact that it was also 32degrees and 95%humidity probably didn't help tho'
sunday
Well, lets see how this thing works then. Its Sunday 19th Sept 2004 and this is the first entry in the blog. I will be mainly using this to share photo's with people I know rather than sharing opinions, but you never know........if I get drunk enough...........actually come to think of that, Tom's coming over this weekend so there may be some drunken ramblings going on soon.
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